Manic Monday: Honk If You Love Cheeses

Well, folks, today started out grumpy and has gone steadily downhill ever since. I'm going to be honest with you, I feel like a right royal biddy just now. I'd be feeling worse if I hadn't had the great and giggly pleasure of reading through your cheese poems for today's Manic Monday assignment. Y'all are very clever, funny, and all around good sports to boot. I knew when I started this that there would be Mondays I just barely got through, and I worried that if I was having a bad one I wouldn't be in the mood to post. What I didn't realize is that by doing Manic Mondays and asking you to submit things, my chances of getting through said Mondays got better. My mood improves every time I look at these gems.


Let's start with one from a friend of mine named Vicky G., of Michigan. She submitted:

Double cheese all bubbly and gooey
Spills all over my pizza crust
Strings snap back from my first bite
And tickle my chin
I can't help but giggle like the first time
Lost in a nostalgic grin.

:)

I don't know about you guys, but the little cheesy grin at the end makes me smile too. I so completely remember cheese hitting my chin as a kid and slurping it up while laughing at myself. You know I'm a nostalgic softie at heart, so you can imagine how much I appreciate this little verse.


The next one comes from Donnette-near-Dallas, and again the last line is what set me off. What's even better is that I recently met her online in a professional capacity and she seems no-nonsense and straightforward. I'm never going to be able to pass email with her again without asking about her dog:

Goat cheese, gouda cheese, parmesan or swiss.
If they were gone, which would you miss?

Shredded or block, all packed in a bag.
Did I understand it's made in a rag?

It doesn't matter what you like to eat,
All kinds of cheese are my dog's favorite treat.

Even asleep under the bed,
The sound of its package goes to her head.

Running fast from her favorite place
Hoping for cheese all over her face.

Licking the floor and begging for more,
If she could drive, she'd go to the store

And buy all the cheese her short legs could reach
My doxie loves cheese. That's the end of my speech.

The next one comes from Tom B., the "Uncle" of my kids. It's, uh, unusual. Put down your drink. I'm pasting this directly from the text file he emailed to me. I think I got to the second line before losing it. For some reason, I was compelled to read the entire thing in a sort of overly-stressed iambic pentameter lilt:

A Slice of Cheese
by Tom Beauchamp

A Poem in the Phoenician Pattern Form

* Wara * Bokmakiri * Kwaito * Andari * Sulguni * Imeruli * Guda * Chhena* Paneer* Fahnni Batur* Naskavni* Khoa* Sakura * Tenshi * Achuza* Ackawi*
* Basket * Emek* Labneh* Jameed* Jibneh Arabieh * Kenafa * Naboulsi * Shanklish* Syrian * Zefati* Leeghvan* Tabriz * Sia mazegi * Chhuga Chhurpi*
* Flower of Rajya* Serkam* Sewsew* Kesong* Bergkäse* Brimsen * Dachsteiner* Lüneberg * Tyrolean grey * White Asian* Beauvoorde* Brussels'* Herve*
* Limburger * Maredsous * Passendale * Plateau de Herve * Postel * Prince-Jean * Remedou * Rodoric * Rubens * Kashkaval * Sirene * Crackengal*
* Grilled Halloumi* Anari* Halloumi* Kefalotyri* Abertam * Olomoucké syrečky* Podravec* Zdenka * Dimsi* Paški sir * Bilogorac* Bilogorka* Chikwi*
* Picok* Ribanac* Grobnički sir* Danbo* Danish Blue * Danish tilsit * Esrom * Havarti* Rygeost * Saga * Samsoe * Aura* Lappi * Leipäjuusto*
* Mustaleima * Oltermanni* Pohjanpoika * Raejuusto * Bavaria blu* Bördespeck* Butterkäse* Cambozola* Grünländer* Harzer * Handkäse* Klützer Gold*
* Limburger * Romadur * Milbenkäse * Nillekäs * Rauchkäse * Spundekäs * Steinbuscher* Tilsit * Weisslacker* Anthotyro Xero* Formaella Parnassus*
* Graviera Kritis * Metsovone * Agylotti* Anevato* Aneri* Anthotyro Xero* Anthotyro Fresco * Armexia * Arsenico* Batzos* Ble Copanisti* Cathoura*
* Cephalaki* Cephalograviera* Chloró* Corfu* Elaiki* Feta* Fondina Dodoni * Formaella * Galotyri * Graviera * Graviera Agrafon * Graviera Kritis*
* Graviera Naxou * Graviera Tinou* Gylomeni* Gylotto* Halloumi* Kalathaki* Kaisariano* Kasseri* Katiki * Kefalotyri * Klotsotyre * Ladograviera*
* Ladotyri* Malaca* Malahti* Manoura* Manouri* Megan Kopron * Metsovella* Metsovone * Mizithra * Possia* Pictogalo * Petroti* Petrotto * Prentza*
* San Michali * Scotyre* Sclavotyre* Sfela * Stacca * Sourotto * Svonzo * Tsalafoutti * Telemes * Thylicotyre * Touloumotyre * Tyrovolia * Urtha*
* Victoria* Xynomizithra * Xynotyro* Zirozoulli* Zipouro *Balaton * Bakony camembert*Göcseji* Ilmici*Lajta * Liptauer*Óvári* Pálpusztai*Pannónia*
* Séd brie* Szekszárdi* Tihany camembert*Trappista *Gullostur* Höfðingi*Hvítur kastali* Luxus yrja*Maribo kúmenostur* Ardrahan *Bosca Beag Milis*
* Cashel Blue * Coolea * Cooleeney * Corleggy * Desmond * Dubliner * Durrus * Doolin * Gabriel * Irish Cheddar * Micheal Marbh * Mizen *Poulcoin*
* St Brigid * St Killian* Tóin Mór Deegan * Waterford * Braghe *Wexford * Asiago* Bel Paese*Bergkäse* Bocconcini* Brös*Brus da ricotta* Testouri*
* Burrata* Caciocavallo* Caciocavallo Silano* Caciotta* Castelrosso* Casu marzu*Crescenza* Crucolo* Dolcelatte* Fior di latte*Fiore Sardo*Fontal*
* Fontina* Formaggio Saltarello* Friuli* Gorgonzola* Grana* Grana Padano* Mascarpone* Monte Veronese * Mozzarella * Mozzarella di Bufala Campana*
* Nerino* Parmigiano-Reggiano* Pecorino* Pecorino dei Colli Bolognesi* Pecorino di Forenza* Pecorino di Pienza* Pecorino Romano * Pecorino Sardo*
* Pecorino Toscano* Pepato* Piave * Provolone* Rasco* Reblochon* Ricotta*Robiola* Romano*Scamorza*Sottocenere al tartufo*Squacquerone*Stracchino*
* Stracciatella di Bufala* Taleggio* Toma* Sirenje* Bieno sirenje* Maleshevsko sirenje* Ovchepolsko sirenje* Kashkaval* Galichki kashkaval* Urda*
* Gbejna* Pljevaljski sir* Njeguški sir * Amsterdam* Clove * Dutch farmer * Edam* Frisian * Gouda* Leerdammer* Limburger * Leyden * Maasdam* May*
* Parrano* Roomano* Spitse * Balsfjord * Camenås * Gamalost* Geitost * Graddost* Gudbrandsdalsost * Ingers Blå * Jaktost* Jarlsberg * Nøkkelost*
* Norvegia * Pultost* Snøfrisk* Twaróg* Oscypek* Bryndza* Bundz* Bursztyn* Gołka*Koryciński* Oscypek* Redykołka* Rokpol*Stolper Jungchen* Twaróg*
* Tylżycki* Zamojski* Azeitão* Cabreiro* Castelo Branco* Chévre* Évora* Ovelha Cured* Pico*Fresh *Rabaçal*Requeijão*Requeijão de Ovelha*Caravane*
* Saloio* Santarém* São Jorge* Serpa* Serra da Estrela* Tomar* Ilha * Nisa* Terrincho* Yellow * Brânză topită* Caş* Cekab* Caşcaval*Telemea‎*Urdă*
* Brânză de burduf* Brânză la brad* Brânză de vaci* Caş ardelenesc * Syr Kolbasny * Syr Poshekhonsky * Syr Novorossisky * Syr Orbita * Tvorok*
* Kačkavalj* Sjenički * Sremski * Švapski * Bryndza* Korbáčik* Liptauer* Oštiepok* Ovčí syr* Parenica* Tvaroh* Manchego * Afuega'l pitu *Buonaro*
* Burgos * Cabrales * Cabra Al Vino * Cantabria * Castile * Cerdanya * Drunken Goat * Garrotxa * Iberico *Idiazabal*L'Alt Urgell* Mahón*Majorero*
* Manchego * Maó * Mató * Murcia * Murcia al vino* Palmero * Picón Bejes-Tresviso* Queso de la Palma* Queso tetilla*Quesucos de Liebana*Ronkari*
* La Serena * Serrat * Tetilla * Torta del Casar * Tupí * Valdeon* Zamorano *Baron *Billinge *Blå Gotland*Drabant* Grevé*Gräddost*Herrgårdsost*
* Hushållsost*Kleinenob Cheddar*Kvibille Cheddar*Kvibille Gräddädel*Kryddost*Prästost*Raketost*Riddarost*Räkost*Stureost*Svecia*Västerbottensost*
* Wästgöta Kloster* Gruyère* Appenzeller* White * Kashkaval * Cecil* Tulum * Mihalic* Goat * Sakak chese* Lor* Sor * Tongue * Maras *Cerkez *Tel*
* Cokelek* Canak * Kulek * Cara* Orgu* Golot * Cayir* Torba * Cubic * Yoruk * Kars gravyer * Kars tripe * Imansiz * Abaza * Ardahan mildewy*
* Bingol brined * Malatya * Seferihisar armola * Kopanisti * Antep * Varto goat * Red Windsor *Amster Dammer * Balderson's Cheddar* Baron* Sardo*
* Bleu Bénédictin * Bleu L'Ermite * Bleubry * Bocconcini * Brie Manoir * Brie L'extra Double Crème * Brie Vaudreuil *Brie Chevalier Fines Herbes*
* Brittania * Camembert de Madame Clément* Cantonnier* Cheddar âgé au Porto 10 ans * Chèvre noir * Damablanc* Douanier * Dragons Breath * Fétard*
* Frère Jacques * Friulano* Gouda Coureur des Bois * Gouda Old * Kingsberg * Leoni-Grana Parmesan * Medium Cheddar * Miranda * Mont Saint-Benoît*
* Mozzarella Prestigio * Noyan * Oka * Pied-de-Vent * Provolone Sette Fette * Raclette des Appalaches *Raclette Fritz * Raclette Griffon*Gubbeen*
* Riopelle de l'Isle * Saint-Fidèle * Saint-Paulin Québécois * Saint-Paulin Anco * Smoked Monterey Jack * Tomme Québécoise * Trevisano* Valbert*
* Verdelait Cracked Pepper * Victor et Berthold * Añejo * Chihuahua * Cotija * Criollo * Jalapeño * Nacho * Oaxaca* Panela * Peter Anderson*
* Queso Fresco* Requesón* Quesillo* Reggianito* Sardo* Mar del Plata * Por Salut* Provoleta * Manson Printer * Catupiry * Minas * Reino * Coalho*
* Manteiga* Requeijão* Brazilian Butter* Prato* Chanco* Gauda* Mantecoso* Panquehue* Ranco* Renaico* Queso campesino * Queso costeño * Kilcummin*
* Quesillo* Queso Paipa* Queso Dambo* Queso Guayanés* Telita* Queso de Año* Queso de Cabra* Queso de Mano* Queso Palmita * Queso Paisa* milleens*

No, I don't know what all that is. I mean, it's cheese, but... ? I'm trusting Tom will comment with an explanation. Regardless, it's kind of catchy. And, I'm way impressed by the tildes. I am hopeless at remembering key combos so I can type tildes. So that's something, anyway. Uh, way to go Tom!


Dyanna L. sent the next one at what is perhaps the most opportune time ever to get a haiku of such depth, quality, and relevancy. I had just stomped back to my computer, entirely put out with a Certain Someone In The House (not Donald) and the better-than-everyone attitude he exudes. This was in my inbox at that very moment. It's called "God's Cheese":

“Cheddar, He will pick
Me,” said Swiss, “For am I not
Holier than Thou?”

Yeah. She's my pard. You can maybe see why now.


Candy B. (wife of Tom B. and therefore "Aunt" to my kids) sent this one in. I'm C&Ping the whole email because it's funny to me:

what the hell... this may or may not be a haiku... I tried, dammit!

Cheese is so yummy
Inside of Jamie's tummy
Except when he farts

Sounds like it's been another interesting day at her house. And I think I'm glad it's at her house.


The last one is a coup, short up and sweet. Shawn P., who I think we're all starting to figure out is half a bubble off plumb, wrote a poem he assures me is "all entirely true." Bless him, the wee man.

Cheddar, by Shawn Powers

The yellow cheese from Cheddar was a sight that had to be seen,
See, the cows ate grass in Cheddar, high in beta carotene.
Perhaps the soil, perhaps the weather, no one really quite knew why,
Other towns couldn't get that special taste, but boy they sure did try!

People saw the yellow cheese, and knew that Cheddar made the best,
And that palest orange tint made it stand out from the rest.
Other towns made lots of cheeses, some were good and some were bad,
But people paid more for Cheddar, for it was the best they'd ever had.

The other cheesers hated Cheddar, and all the people from the town,
They thought of every sneaky way to keep Cheddar's profits down.
A lowly annatto tree farmer found the trick in a tiny seed,
It turned their cheeses yellow, which was just the thing in need.

People thought the yellow color is what made the Cheddar good,
So they paid more for the plain cheese, even though they never should.
For annatto seed adds color, but not a bit of taste,
All the extra cash for yellow, was a monumental waste.

So when you buy your cheeses, both the yellow and the white,
Know that a little town in England was the first to do it right.
If you judge your cheese by color, you might pay more than you should,
Be sure to taste the Cheddar, to make sure it's really good!

9:00 PM: A late entry! But it's good! I mean, really good. I was reminded of a still life... except for that bit about Marcel (Gagne, I'm assuming). I don't think anything about Marcel is still, ever. Justin R. sent me this just a few minutes ago. I won't say anything about deadlines. Really. I'll just think it quietly to myself.

The Curds and the Whey

Stilton, Cheddar, and the Herve,
Soft ones, hard ones, veined ones to show,
Aging ever, the curds and the whey.

Crackers, cheese knife, sit on a tray,
Brie, Camembert, et Livarot,
Stilton, Cheddar, and the Herve.

Munster, Neufchatel, Morbier,
Gorgonzola, Montasio,
Aging ever, the curds and the whey.

Cries the très affamé gourmet,
"Cheese and Marcel's best rouge Bordeaux,
Stilton, Cheddar, and the Herve."

What to serve with vino dolce?
Why not the flair of Majorero,
Aging ever, the curds and the whey.

Langres, Chevère, and Valençay,
Toma, Fontal, e Ramano,
Stilton, Cheddar, and the Herve,
Aging ever, the curds and the whey.

I'm curious if you've read all this and still failed to catch the pun in the post title. To put this in some sort of context, remember that I was brought up throughout the Midwest, the grand-daughter of Scots immigrants who decided the Ozark Mountains were just like Dear Old Home. This involved a lot of banjo music and singing with a combination of a brogue and twang that still gets me into trouble this day because when you hear it, you'll know I've been drinking. It also involved a lot of holy rollin'. I'm a wild and crazy Episcopalian now ("A bake sale! Yay!") but I sometimes have what could only be termed flashbacks. I suffer from PTSD (Pentecostal Twang Stress Disorder).

I wish I wish I wish I could play the banjo well enough to play and sing this for you. It's bad enough on its own, but bringing it to life via video would just make my day because I could imagine the groaning it would cause amongst you, my nearest and dearest:

The Hymn of Wisconsin

Honk if you love cheeses
And join the happy throng.
Every church up here preaches
The Word of the Curd in song
With antiphon and holy hymn
We lead the lost ones back again
Wiiiiiiith
Bumper stickers on every car
To spread the message near and far
Aaaaaaaaand
Packer games that make you cheer.
Please buy your cheese hats and bras here.

So honk if you love cheesessssssssss
And we'll honk right along.

I know. "Don't quit your day job, Crystal."